Jokes

Older material that I’ve grown tired of.

Roger Ebert Porn

Our jobs influence our thoughts and our perceptions.  If you’ve ever been a waiter, you have a much different point of view of the restaurant industry than the generic customer who is clueless about what goes on.  But, staying with this idea, how about jobs influence our thoughts and our perception of the world… what kind of porn is Roger Ebert watching?  Because you know he’s going to be critical about every movie he watches!  All film critics for that matter, it has to be infuriating for these people to watch porn!  They’re trying to beat it off and all they can think about is, “The only thing more fake than her tits are her orgasms!”  But, we all have our standards when it comes to these things.  That’s why all the porn I watch has to have that Roger Ebert “Two Thumbs Up My Own Ass” seal of approval!

The relationship between porn and religion

The fact that there are people who are against pornography and consider it to be the source of all the world’s problems and evil baffles the hell out of me.  What’s particularly odd about this group of people is that they are typically the devoutly, in-your-face Christian types who find their inspiration for morality in the Old Testament.  But when you think about it, religion and pornography both operate under the same function.  Because in either one of them, the more hardcore you get, the more you freak people .  In terms of which is more obscene, I’m going to say an eight-pound baby coming out of a vagina is a lot worse than a man’s fist.

George W. Bush

Do you remember when George W Bush took office?  A lot of people were stuck on the fact that he used cocaine earlier in his life.  People would say, “If you can do coke and still become President of the United States, then that whole thing about drugs is fucked up.”  Now that we’re near the end of his presidency, I think we can all look back and say, STAY AWAY FROM DRUGS!  We let a former cokehead run the country, and look how fucked up it is!  George W. Bush is my anti-drug!

Bush is the most unpopular president we’ve had.  He is also the healthiest president we’ve had.  Coincidence?  Remember, America is the fattest nation on face of the earth, and our Dear Leader is so out of touch with American mainstream that he’s in the top 99 percentile for health!  This guy is clueless about what Americans want: extra ranch dressing!  He lives on a ranch and we live off of ranch, the guy has it all wrong…

A lot of people have come to the conclusion that George W is like a clown who was too dumb to bring his costume to work, but he chose the right vice-president.  Everyone laughs at Bush, but no one has the courage to laugh at Cheney.  Dick Cheney is the perfect storm of evil: he’s as ruthless as Darth Vader, rich as Mr. Burns, and more suspicious than Newman from Seinfeld.

My Tax Plan

I think we need to restructure the IRS into a prostitution ring.  Instead of tax collectors, we should have federal prostitutes.  Instead of the government screwing us over with income tax and payroll tax, I say we should have the right to fuck the government if they really want our money.  That’s a tax program I can get behind, and on top of!  Basically, just use the same business plan as Hooters but have all proceeds go to balancing our budget.  If prostitution was legal, and all the proceeds went to the federal government, we’d be out of debt in two years, minimum.

From Chess To Feminism

I think the game of chess was the inspiration for feminism.  Think about it, who does all the work in chess?  The queen!  She’s moving all the way down the board, from one end to the next, going forward and backwards, left and right, diagonally and for what?  Some lazy king who only moves one place at a time?  He’s the one that needs to protect his ass!  But, oh, the mighty king will only move one place so the pawns don’t feel bad!  Meanwhile, while he’s fucking around doing nothing, the queen is out there doing everything herself!

Some developing stand-up material for all you readers!

Dane Cook

To hell with Dane Cook, that untalented, myopic prick!

God I hate him! Specifically, I hate his popularity, that untalented, myopic prick!

Does anyone else see the problem when the largest portion of the public’s sense of humor is attracted to Dane-goddamn-Cook? Let me explain Dane Cook, for you…

He has a couple of good jokes, I must admit that first and foremost. My argument that Dane Cook is an untalented, myopic prick goes deeper than his comedic arts. It’s the fact that when he tells a joke, he will say it over and over again, using different words, but with the same semantics. “It’s like, have you ever been driving on the highway, and someone cuts you off, and you’re like, ‘Um, hellllooo?’ Because, it’s like, you’re crusin’, you know, pimpin’ out in the ol’ Danemobile, and some car out of nowhere—VROOM! AHH! Almost tore the Danemobile a new one—and you can only go, ‘Um, helllooo?’ That’s it, we all say, ‘Um, helllooo? Didn’t you see me driving? In the Danemobile? Oooookay… Just checkin’.” THAT’S NOT COMEDY! This guy’s material can warrant a law suit against him by the thesaurus publisher. He’s really just plagiarizing the thesaurus after a while, and when you’re hearing this crap over and over again, you’re like, “Um, helllooo?” He should write a book, “Ten Super Jokes and Seven Hundred SUPER Ways to Say Them (for Dummies)!”

That untalented, myopic prick!

Sport Rivalries

Fuck the Yankees. And while I’m at it, fuck the Red Socks! Fuck them and their rivalry, you stupid overgrown kids who are hell-bent on getting even with those kids from the other side of the tracks. They’re like those kids at summer camp who sneak across the lake to the camp next door, and put their canoes in trees; they’re also paid millions to do this in baseball.

I am so sick and irritated about sport rivalries. My god, you’re professional athletes trying to pull that “good role model” card and you throw a tantrum whenever you play against a certain team! You overpaid, myopic pricks! Endorsing vendettas, revenge, and constant mild-rage at a group who is practically identical to you other than their geolocation.

The Red Sox aren’t cursed, it’s the rest of the world that gets cursed from having to listen to your fanatical fans who buy into such superstition. It’s a good story, sure, but get over it! It’s abstract; it’s unimportantly informative over something that people love being a part of. I don’t get it. You play sports for a living, so focus on the game and leave the drama to the actors, not athletes.

Gasoline

I have a few words about gasoline. Everyone feels it, so everyone likes to bitch about it because, let’s face it, griping about gas prices has become the new “How’s the weather?” It’s a constant thorn in our existence and everyone has an opinion on it. Due to global warming, however, asking about the weather is bound to lead to a dispute of opinions. So, a new, safer constant had to emerge for our day-to-day bonding with others, thus we have a bittersweet relationship with high gas prices.
But even in all our gripes over gasoline, how many people still milk every gallon they can when they fill up? You filled up your tank, the pump says you have enough in your tank, but *CLICK CLICK CLICK* You’re paying more now you numbskulls! Don’t bitch and moan about how expensive gas is, and then try to round up your total! Ironically, it’s the people who are OCD about having even numbers at the gas pump are the same ones who never set their alarm clocks at quarter or half past, it’s always 7:28, not 7:15, or 7:30.

Cars & Driving

Want to make cars safer? Shit, this is easy: bumper cars. I want all cars to have one of those springy bumpers that go around those carts at the fair. Commuting would be so much more fun if you got there by bouncing and bumping your way to the exit. It would be like an enormous pinball game! Ah, pinball game, there’s the rub.

Here’s my idea: all cars come equipped with a heads-up-display that keeps track of your driving, but assigns you points in a Mario Kart-like fashion. If there’s some kind of high score we can try to beat, I’m willing to bet that people will be better drivers. You’re giving them the goal to be safe drivers (because there’s a shortage of them) but using a better system than the honor system. It pretty much works like this: while you are driving, you are assigned points for how well you drive. Staying inside the lines? Five points per second. Come to a complete stop at a stop sign? Plus fifty. There are also penalties! Pulled over? Lose all your points and GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL. Driving like a maniac on the highway? Lose all your points and GO DIRECTLY TO HELL.

Make driving a type of game rather than yet-another-drudgery, that’s what I’m saying. If people could throw banana peels and fire green turtle shells while they drove, I think there would be more focus from my fellow commuters.

The Five Drinking Holidays & Fashion Analysis

As I have come to see it, there are five major holiday that involve drinking during the year: Valentine’s, St. Patrick’s, Fourth of July, Halloween, and New Year’s Eve. Valentine’s is someone of a paradox, because those who do celebrate it drink less than those who aren’t able to celebrate it. Nevertheless, an important thing to note regarding these holidays is their dress code. You see a lot of red on Valentine’s, and you see a lot of green on St. Patrick’s. Thanks to alcohol, everyone’s standards are going down. That is to say, there’s a much greater chance of getting laid on these five holidays.

Drunk people are easier to get into bed. But on Valentine’s Day, when someone wears red, it’s like a stop light to anyone trying to make a move. “STOP! I’M WEARING RED! I’M TRYING TO STICK WITH MY NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION!” The funny part is that in a month, that same person is wearing green, and green means go! “FUCK NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS! LETS GO BACK TO YOUR PLACE!”

There’s a lot of red, white, and blue on July 4, which is to say, “Stop, baby! I already came, and if you keep doing that my balls are going to turn blue!”

So, when Halloween comes along, you’re so sick of colors you’ll fuck anything that dresses up, and I do mean ANYTHING. “It’s something different to undress, I guess you’ll do.”

During Thanksgiving and Christmas, however, loneliness sets in. So, during New Year’s, you wear something that is going to attract a mate, but do so in such a way that you won’t be spending Valentine’s Day alone. That’s going to be a resolution for you, have a meaningful relationship by Valentines, because if you don’t, you might as well be drunk. Being drunk is how all this got started, so, there it is: Alcohol is the Circle of Dating, the circumference for you math geeks.

Problem with Politics

The problem with politics is that the people who don’t vote are more informed than the ones who do. They know the system well enough to watch is disgust as public opinion is corralled in such overdrawn pomp and circumstance.

Social Norms: Paranoia or Denial

Have you realized that there are more paranoid people than normal people? If so, what the fuck are they paranoid about? That means everyone IS thinking about you! Furthermore, this means all the “normal” people are actually in DENIAL! So, rest assured that someone is just as fucked up as you, or you’re in denial about it. Now make the most of your day, because I’m keeping an eye out on you! And you. And you, and you… and you know what I mean.