Older material that I’ve grown tired of.
Roger Ebert Porn
Our jobs influence our thoughts and our perceptions. If you’ve ever been a waiter, you have a much different point of view of the restaurant industry than the generic customer who is clueless about what goes on. But, staying with this idea, how about jobs influence our thoughts and our perception of the world… what kind of porn is Roger Ebert watching? Because you know he’s going to be critical about every movie he watches! All film critics for that matter, it has to be infuriating for these people to watch porn! They’re trying to beat it off and all they can think about is, “The only thing more fake than her tits are her orgasms!” But, we all have our standards when it comes to these things. That’s why all the porn I watch has to have that Roger Ebert “Two Thumbs Up My Own Ass” seal of approval!
The relationship between porn and religion
The fact that there are people who are against pornography and consider it to be the source of all the world’s problems and evil baffles the hell out of me. What’s particularly odd about this group of people is that they are typically the devoutly, in-your-face Christian types who find their inspiration for morality in the Old Testament. But when you think about it, religion and pornography both operate under the same function. Because in either one of them, the more hardcore you get, the more you freak people . In terms of which is more obscene, I’m going to say an eight-pound baby coming out of a vagina is a lot worse than a man’s fist.
George W. Bush
Do you remember when George W Bush took office? A lot of people were stuck on the fact that he used cocaine earlier in his life. People would say, “If you can do coke and still become President of the United States, then that whole thing about drugs is fucked up.” Now that we’re near the end of his presidency, I think we can all look back and say, STAY AWAY FROM DRUGS! We let a former cokehead run the country, and look how fucked up it is! George W. Bush is my anti-drug!
Bush is the most unpopular president we’ve had. He is also the healthiest president we’ve had. Coincidence? Remember, America is the fattest nation on face of the earth, and our Dear Leader is so out of touch with American mainstream that he’s in the top 99 percentile for health! This guy is clueless about what Americans want: extra ranch dressing! He lives on a ranch and we live off of ranch, the guy has it all wrong…
A lot of people have come to the conclusion that George W is like a clown who was too dumb to bring his costume to work, but he chose the right vice-president. Everyone laughs at Bush, but no one has the courage to laugh at Cheney. Dick Cheney is the perfect storm of evil: he’s as ruthless as Darth Vader, rich as Mr. Burns, and more suspicious than Newman from Seinfeld.
My Tax Plan
I think we need to restructure the IRS into a prostitution ring. Instead of tax collectors, we should have federal prostitutes. Instead of the government screwing us over with income tax and payroll tax, I say we should have the right to fuck the government if they really want our money. That’s a tax program I can get behind, and on top of! Basically, just use the same business plan as Hooters but have all proceeds go to balancing our budget. If prostitution was legal, and all the proceeds went to the federal government, we’d be out of debt in two years, minimum.
From Chess To Feminism
I think the game of chess was the inspiration for feminism. Think about it, who does all the work in chess? The queen! She’s moving all the way down the board, from one end to the next, going forward and backwards, left and right, diagonally and for what? Some lazy king who only moves one place at a time? He’s the one that needs to protect his ass! But, oh, the mighty king will only move one place so the pawns don’t feel bad! Meanwhile, while he’s fucking around doing nothing, the queen is out there doing everything herself!